I smiled and lived on without shedding a tear in nobody's sake. I live on without the fear of wetting my cheeks. I still live in the hope of smiling even if I cried but sometimes my hopes are shattered by the thought of living the lie again... No, I never lied in the face of anybody but all I did was lie to myself even when i could stand the truth...
i was never lied to and i never lied to anybody but i was often lied by myself.... i cried for myself and i scream at my face... when i look in the mirror, i dont like the person staring back at me with blacken mascara and wet cheeks... i even dont like those very eyes that are pooled with tears and roll out those tears with the slightest flip of the eyelashes. I care less to witness the pain in those eyes when i can feel the fear of rolling those tears again...
I cry to myself to pain myself with your thoughts and facade. why you do this to me all the time? when i cry, i can see you smile in between my tears... or was that a smirk on your face?
Why I have boundless questions for you that you fear to answer? Why am I so fearless in asking that questions to myself all the time? Am i addicted to your lies? I am afraid I cant take NO as an answer to all those questions devoid of feel....

How can I ever stop those rolling  tears??? Dont let me live a Lie....

V fight and i End up fighting 4 myself...

its hard when i hear myself listening to your high-pitched voice. i dunno if i am just listening to my moans or telling you my groans.... every time i try to do something soothing for myself and for you too, you end up attacking me yet again....
you dont want to listen to the said words but i cant let go off the spoken words coz they keep on bouncing back in mu mind... maybe i am paranoid about the things that i do but i am adamant on pressing harder on the things you dont want to listen... it clicks me to say it louder for myself to hear so that i can be sure i said nothing unimportant to me...
i will perish soon in your eyes and i will be living in the horrors of my dream that i let you let me die...

Bro-sis SHIP....

 as we lay lazily on the sunday morn...
we took the time to ease ourselves in...
me and my bro...
after ages of being together...
it was fun...
with the noodles doodling in the pan...

coffee steaming in the cups...

and we... posing like there's no mood we cant afford to lose...

memories are made yet again ....

we are laughing all again...

poking the faces and celebrating the laughter....

moments to remember....
 Cherished yet again..... 

Lemme Cry inbetween those Tears...

its pains.
when i remember the times i cried for you in vain...
it kills.
when i dream of the day you slashed my words....
it chills me...
when i think of the moment you betrayed my love...
it turns me down...
when the feeling of loneliness creeps in my heart...
it rushes me.
when the thought of you dragging me to nowhere flashes every minute...
it scares me...

CRy me a RIver....

i dont seem to remember the last time you gave me a good time. You weren't around lately. guess you were having the time of your own. I expect no apology for being so into you. but at least i am searching for an answer to why you let me feel lonely for long. i tried hard to make up for my foresaken hours with you and alas! you cared less. infact, you hardly cared for my attempt to get closer to you.
all you wanted from me was my kisses and some hugs and you are out on your own. i remembered how i stole away in the middle of the night to see you and sleep in your arms. after all those whispered moments, all you wanted was not me !!!!
I was going to kill you , thats what you confessed in your anger. well, truth be told, i died trying to live again with you and all you did was to kill that life once again. i fought back my tears for you and i went against my blood for you and all you did in return was nothing but spit back on me. how could you even do that to me?
I wasnt the one who came after. you was the one who promised to walk bedside me in times of trouble and smile. You lied to yourself. how could you be true to me when you lied to yourself?
guess thats the end of me and I.
how could I ever love you again when you made me believe that my love was not even worthy of a truth?

lost..

I have been wandering around a lot these days… wandering inside of me and getting lost all the while long… sometimes I am sitting still like the mountains yet withering with time and age…

I think I am still in search of that one thing that can make me what I suppose to be. I feel much of my nothingness in me and I feel nothing weird about this feeling…

Its UR B'DAY....

                                                                                    should i write you a b'day song?
should i sing you a b'day song?
maybe i should read out a b'day song...
perhaps i can whisper you a b'day song...

maybe it aint nice enough to do a b'day song...
perhaps i can bake a b'day cake...
or else i can light the b'day candles on the b'day cake...
i can switch of the lights and make you appear in darkness...
you can blow off those b'day candles...
and i can sing you a b'day song...
and float in the light of your face...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY HONEY BEE!!!

wouldn't i know?

I won’t know if you are still holding onto me…

You won’t even care to know if I care…

You run away from my words….

I don’t remember a sentence I have completed….

You scare me away from you…

At the slight rise in your voice…

You chose to go merry-making…

When I was deep drowned in your thoughts….

You hardly listened to my feelings…

I had felt the universe for you…

You wanted to go wild, I know…

I wanted you to safari with me….

All you dreamed was for a free ride with yourself…

And left me pondering what am I to dream….

THE TIME THAT SCATTERS ME....

I dunno if I am behaving with the situation. I tried my level best not to trip over any incident that may help me in describing me. But I failed in my attempt. I hate being such a snob but I cant help myself in my affairs. I hate the feeling of being lost in the crowd but that’s the least that I can oversee. Its been a month long of strive and struggle in processing my thoughts and my feelings. I don’t want to fall a prey to my own desires but I am so helpless that I cant even succumb to my own thinking. I wanna stay away from everybody’s life but I am so glues to the circle that I keep on falling back into it. I despise the Yankees who roam around without any fear and attachments. I do want to step out in the sun and shout at the sunlight. I wanna hate the moon but I am too less of light to even hear my own cry.

I am lost living in it…..

lost in time...

i feel lost...
coz i know i am somewhere...
where i know it as nowhere...
i dream of life that i imagined...
i imagine of a life that i dreamed...
everything looks strange..
though i am familiar with it...
i know i am lost...
coz i never wandered in this place all again...

Must I Wait?

Time crawls like the tortoise on the marathon...
I wait for the seconds to click by with a sigh...
the sands in the hourglass drop in particles...
the minute hang in the cloud before it ticks away...
i flap my eyelashes thrice in a second...
i take a look at the watch before looking at the clock...
i think i will kill the time before i know of it...
its too hard waiting and much harder waiting in vain...
can you please step out of that picture frame and
let the wait go in vain...
coz i am tired of waiting hours in your name...
and i am dying whispering your name to the wind...

HOPE IT WONT LAST LONG.... but da hope shud stay on 4EVA...

Today 08.07.2011. made me sink into my own tears; tears of anger, impatience, stress and on and on... I really dunno what the heck is going on around me. It appears to me as if I woke up to be worn out by people who like to drag on me. Its certainly not fair to tell me myself that I hate being a part of this whole attitude drama. I am literally tired of wearing a smiling face when all i get back in return is a frown. I rather cry and let my sadness flow out instead of holding onto the fear of being known as a lost girl.
I evolve around myself and I was quite certain about my own capabilities and worries but right now, I can no longer say the same thing. I am not sure if I really think I know myself coz every time I make an effort, I am proved wrong.
This day of the month, I cried for hours feeling under-imposed, under-estimated and vulnerable. I cant bear to see myself crying infront of anybody that i choose to hide myself behind the closed doors and cry as loud as i can. I cried till I fall asleep and I could hardly breathe in! Can i not feel so reckless and under-mined?
i wanna go home and cry in somebody's arms... i really want to! Can i ever get that break to do atleast something that I so wish to!
P.S. Nurture me in my arms and I wont say a damn thing... I am counting minutes to let the pain ease without counting the second that pierced my heart!

what if...

What if you are stealing from my eyes...
even though i know you come clean...
maybe you can let the curtain fall...
just to let me know that i am not blinded....
or else you can blow away the candle...
and let me see you in the dark...
must you run away from my wrinkles...
when i had enough of you erasing the lines...
why do i have to even care to call you...
when you are already talking to me...
what if you are spying on me?
and i know not of the spy but of the spies...
will you care to give me a smile...
when you see me giving myself a stupid look..
can you even held me in your arms..
when you are already fed with anger...
what if i block myself away...
will you even throw a stone at the wall ...
or will you spit on the walls that surround me?
i feel like saying,,,
what if i mattered less to you and you mattered more to me?

wats wrong?

nothing seems so right....
everything looks pale and shallow...
who am i to blame?
when i am not feeling right anymore?
i dunno if i have the feeling to get hurt...
but i do know that i feel not that safe....
i cant blindly say i am not wrong...
but i cant confess i am true either...
i tried to conceal my fear...
when you felt that i was going far...
i loved to hear you scream...
but i hate when you yell for petty things...
you cant blame me for my action...
when you dont even know your reaction...
i subtly confide my tears into you...
you barely chase my loneliness away...
i am still fighting for my heart...
when my heart is already at stake...
love me no-more when you all love was everything about me but not me!

the feeling...

i feel a little lost these days, when i am all alone and everybody stares at me. i dunno if i am caught in between my tears but all i know is that i am definitely lost in between my laughter.
New days at the adminstrative office and I know i am too naive to comment on anything... but i am deadly bored!

hear me plz...

THE FOREST HIKE...

The day before my last day in Penang, I and my friend decided to visit the tourist attractions. So, our first stop was the Penang National Park. We had no clue where it was located. We boarded the bus and then followed the intuitions which worked pretty fine. We reached the place in less than 30 min. the information counter charged us Rm 5 for the canopy walk rest everything was free. Cool! Well, we headed off towards the canopy walk but nothing in sight. We just followed the sign and stopped in between taking pictures cos memories counts… well, contrast to my idea of an ideal park, it was actually a forest and it was more wild and adventurous than I could ever think of. We took 20 Min or more to reach our destination but the thing was closed for lunch break. After waiting for few minutes, the blotch was opened and we could carry on. The walk wasn't at all scary rather it was amusing. Walking among the canopy sounds exotic and it really was when I was walking among the tree tops and beneath me walked people who looked like tiny tots. It was a fun experiment with height.
 We headed off for the monkey beach and the headlight… it was awesome… trust myself… it was crazy!
The blue sea stretched miles away
beyond the horizon engulfed by green hills on the side. Evergreen trees and coniferous trees castled on the hills throwing refreshing all around. The fiddling of the sand with the high shores creates a big wave of relaxation inside the closed heart. Oh! It was terrific… we had to rush back but we somehow landed at the sign post that indicated another beach at around 2920m. OK, I wanted to give it a try but I wasn't ready for the moments that lay ahead. We passed through a jungle with lots of tall trees with some kind of speciality which I didn't really go through. Yeah, I did witness the music area where I could hear strange sounds which seem to come from nowhere. Then, I followed the buffalo path and the dug out hill. I was really exhausted by then but I knew I had to go on.  Few hikers pass us by, they looked real tired. I was like, could it be so hard? Despite the resistance from my friend, I still walked on till she gave up on me. Finally, after an hour long of hiking, we managed to reach the beach. Omg! it was beautiful! But I was so tired to shout at the top of my lungs which I so wanted to. The beach is the farthest beach so it is the cleanest and damn beautiful. Blue merged with green, the sands were sandy and the rocks were the mightiest… I had my day there. It was falling evening so we had to rush back. It was so amazing to be there. It took us an hour more to reach back and the first thing was to look for water and food. I did bring some juices but we finished that way back in our early hopping.
I had a good time though my feet gave me trauma for the next two days. But my adventure didn't end there…. the next moment to drop by was wilder.... wink wink...;>

P.S. its a race with life... you cant stop the fleeting moments...

LOTSA FROWNS....

This marks another chapter in  my pageless book-free life, but it seems eternity before i can even turn on one page. Must I admit when I say I was wagging behind instead of barking to the front.
I just realised I was too shallow for my tears and that it was a waste to waste my feelings on it. I wasnt never sure of it but now i think I have made my own point not to discard it.

P.S. Least the clown befalls me, I will never let the frown surpass my smile: even though I am a Stern girl....

HEAR Meh...

Months back, I stood carved like a figure in the sand, where wind blows not to lift the sand but to curve the outlines. I had shrined myself not to step out onto the cold world of furnancing heat and steamy anger.
Months from now, I had envisioned things to be enclosed within my encasement and that I will never prey on the world outside.
Months from that day, I am wandering like I am lost... i may have found a place to wander but i am still slueless about what is yet to come! Its like breathing the air not knowing from where I am breathing...

P.S. lend me a ear...

CRY ME A RIVER....

This day of the month, I cried for hours feeling under-imposed, under-estimated and vulnerable. I cant bear to let myself crying infront of anybody that i choose to hide myself behind the closed doors and cry as loud as i can.
I cried till I fell asleep and I could hardly breathe in! Can i not feel so reckless and under-mined?
i wanna go home and cry in somebody's arms... i really want to! Can i ever get that break to do this one thing  that I wish to!
P.S. Nuture me in my arms and I wont say a damn thing...
I am counting mintues to let the pain ease without counting the seconds that peirced my heart and left it hollow!

IDIOTIC SOUNDS!

It never crossed my mind that i would be struck by a blow, atleast not by that guy. It feels terrible and i wont complain because I admit I was at fault too. I mean, I am taken to be harsh-spoken but I never spoke after thinking. perhaps, I should have! A lesson taught!

the moment caught me by my tears and I almost shed a tear if not streamed it. I remember, I could hardly move my lips and all I did was  to look around and move away from that sight. i drapped my hair around my face and rushed in the direction of no-one. I skipped few faces along the way but I was confident that I aired my shallowness. lost feeling from the pride you held on so long was eating me inside and I rushed to the room to console myself with tears after I had soaked my eyes infront of the computer. i could hardly steal away a  look on my face that i had to bury it in the lap of the moniter. Feeling helpless, I rushed to my shabby room and cover myself up in the blanket which I had never folded neatly after my early wake up. I cried to myself but I didn't wanted to hear me cry. I sobbed and let the tear flow but I could hear myself crying from deep within and it echoed in my breath. I tried to ensure that nobody could hear me but I now i cam not that sure of my own effort. Everybody could look at me and say that I was beaten up to badly for a petty cause.
I have also begun to realise that I have become very rude and an angry girl. I do not want to be like this but i cant seem to help it either. Can I get a guardian angel to wave me a wand of sympathy and love?

P.S. I feel helpless but I help myself by confronting me with it!!!

JUST REALIZE...

it ain't any sympathy if I ask you to understand me...
It is certainly no prejudice if I let you describe me...
It won't be a fall if I make you decide my fate...
It is definitely no surprise if I come unguarded...
It wont scatter you if I let myself go away unchained....
It is not a easy hurdle if I hit the boundary alone...
It would surely not hit you if I blow away the trumpet....
It is dangerously not safe If I chase the race...
It wont hurt you if I succeed the race off you...
It ain't paradox if I say I am less Paradox than you...
It wont break the hell loose if I say I realised ....
.........................................You are not worth my silliness....

WHEN YOU ARE NOT GONE...

its the beginning of me...
how can i not see...
its a new start...
like the arrow in the dart...
the old castle floats away...
like the dream that drifts faraway...
i would like to stand and stalk...
but all i can do is sit and talk...
its the end of me...
i am blinded in that belief...

M HAPPY DAT U CROSSED DA THRESHOLD...

Many a months of waiting 4 your sight, I am glad that that many a waiting has finally pushed to a stand still. I dunno if I can hold back those tears of seeing you again after those 25 months of yearning! I am completely lost in the idea of holding onto your arms for any length of time that I can feel the embarrassment right now. I know you had a hard time fighting my words and gulping those silly insults within yourself, but I admit that they all meant nothing more. I knew I had to fight for you when you spoke less to me and cried more to yourself. Though it is hard to fathom the feelings of a tough guy, I did try my best to carry you within myself and shed a tear or two. How hard I may try but I can seem to realise that I will equal your love and care. You have shielded our family from cold and rain And yet again I promise, I will stand by you through thick and thin.

I am longing to see you hoping that my face can remind you somebody you would always call your Lil Sista!

CAN I CRY TO THE WIND???

 I may cry to the wind but only my heart hears the sobs....

Its a hard trail to let the rain wash away the tears, unless the wind dries it off.

Never in my mere life, did I ever whisper to the wind to blow away my anger and carry my burden for miles away from me.

can i ever tell the morning breeze to blow softly and brush away my sleepless winks.

Could I ever tell them to lift my sleep eyelids?

Can I still ask for everlasting sleep when the night is over but my days are darker than the moonless night?

Is it ok if I tell the soft wind to swing me in its arms and make me forget the days lingering thoughts?

Will it make sense if I inquire the wind about its whereabouts coz i too wanaa join them and blow at my own might.and if I ever ask the thunder what is their might, can I ever get its answer back? coz i am curious enough to ask the thunder to take me in their light and make me glow all over again.

Do you think it is questionable if I question the thunderbolts if they ever bolted their thunderous roar?

If I think it is non-questionable, is it still fair if I question them about their curfew?

Can I please ask the wind to forsake the empty air, if ever I throne some space for myself?

CAN I ASK FOR A JUSTIFICATION?

 I may cry to the wind but only my heart hears the sobs....
Its a hard trail to let the rain wash away the tears, unless the wind dries it off. Never in my mere life, did I ever whisper to the wind to blow away my anger and carry my burden for miles away from me. can i ever tell the morning breeze to blow softly and brush away my sleepless winks. Could I ever them to lift my sleep eyelids? Can I still ask for everlasting sleep when the night is over but my days are darker than the moonless night?
Is it ok if I tell the soft wind to swing me in its arms and make me forget the days lingering thoughts? Will it make sense if I inquire the wind about its whereabouts coz i too wanaa join them and blow at my own might.
and if I ever ask the thunder what is their might, can I ever get its answer back? coz i am curious enough to ask the thunder to take me in their light and make me glow all over again. Do you think it is questionable if I question the thunderbolts if they ever bolted their thunderous roar? If I think it is non-questionable, is it still fair if I question them about their curfew?
Can I please ask the wind to forsake the empty air, if ever I throne some space for myself?

BACKDROP...

Much to do about nothing...
It like living with everything...
empty spaces...
crazy races...
powerful thinking on the go...
idle smoking down on the low...
mistaken identity in the row..
thoughtful promises are too slow...
addictive lines are far from near...
far away images are nearer in the rear...
strong feelings are going down the gutter...
this repulsion of having bread with butter...
 a glass is the last thing in my hand...
but the ants marches in a band...
i am secluded to the core...
when i am alone with the sore...
its the emotions that cant.scape...
and the feeling that wont escape...

JUSTIFI CATION....

 I am fairly holding my pride when i write this post.  Result announcement took a short time to heal and more time to absorb the happy pretense. but everything happens for reason i guess. That's exactly why i can fathom our denied acceptance into Thailand. M&P were sweet to arrange a 2 day Thailand trip for both me n dee after hearing out that we wont be having enough time to spend with them as we had already brought our tickets to Delhi. So, we agreed to go to Thailand on the 3rd of April. We took the nigh bus drive to the Changlung border thats separates south of Thailand and Malaysia. Little did i know that my excitement was about to drop dead when we were told that the visa fee was Rm200. M&P made it known that it was far too expensive and the rest of the trip wont be worth the money. So, we rented a cab back all the way to Sungai Petani to spend the rest of our remaining days. The days in Kedakh was awesome. we had a drive to Penang to fill the missing scene of Penang. I am love with the beaches and the freedom that I relished during my Training days.
The best Part of all was that I got to Participate in Ching Ming. It is a custom in Chinese culture to visit the graveyards of their late Parents and relatives. I like it particularly because I feel a unique sense of relief and Peace. Sometimes I wish I too could visit my Mama's tomb and remember her!
Moving on, I made a visit to the Pada Museum the next day to learn about the Paddy culture in Malysia and go back to the villages.  I must say that the museum was beautifully made. The Best part of our Kedakh tour was the BujangValley. The valley presents the early Indian civilisation in Malaysia, though the country denies its ancestral from India. anyways, I had a great time admiring the artifacts and the culture that existed thousands of years ago. it is amazing to see the remains of their architecture and ornaments that tells a lot about their lifestyle and religion. Among all,  I found a Particular Buddha statue most appealing though the face has been rubbed clean due to aging, i guess or metamorphosis. yeah, after strolling through the places of golden era, we took a jump in the river that was flowing.  It wasnt a big river but we had a pretty good time.

Back to the house, we leaned in for a while and then headed out for Dinner. I have no idea where the place is located. All I can tell is that it is near the beach and it crowded and also that we had to wait for nearly an hour for our order to arrive. Thank God the Food tasted good otherwise I could have cursed the sky above for sheltering me!
The following morning, the day dawned for us to head back to the city and just stay in there.....

CHIMES OF HOPE...

A MOMENT OF BEAUTY AND A LIFE OF RUST....
Many a big things in life goes uncredited...
Many a Petite concerns in living stays eternal...
I understand the feeling of being lost...
I also fathom the happiness of being found again..

I may overlook the silence of the breeze...

but i care to relish the touch of that breeze....

EDITION OF THY CHAPTER...

I am getting the vibes of the Season and I am stilll living with the vibes wihtout reacting...
It's Exam time and I am lying down smoking some dreams that will never coem true... it is hard to fathom the law of focus- and concenteration but I am determined to get through,.....

today's French listening test was a failure.. a strong punch right in my face. need to back up  my French Oral in- order to save the system from falling....

Lord! gimme me enough strength to catch those unspeakable phrases....
and make me puke out the innate French in me!!!!!

Merci Beacoup...
Amen!

POST GRADUATION....

First lemme congratulate myslef.....  Congratulation!
now lemme enjoy the moment for a while forgetting every other possible things that can run on my mind.

yeah! finally I nailed it... literally, i am a Graduate now....
well well, lemme pour out all the bitterness that i had to swallow during that heavy a week trail.

the days when i inhaled coffee like air and was still able to sleep like a log....
the mornings when i detest the morning sun creeping through the curtains...
the time when i reached out to shut off the bloody alarm and gotten me late....
the dinner time, when  i had to cook when all i wanted to do was to insert a food tube inside me...
the valuable time, when i had to nook into the noted when i so wanted to go out for movies...
the irreversible time, when i had to look like a walking zombie instead of a sleeping zombie...
the laced time, when i had to do laundering when i should be shopping...
the tangled time, when i had to sleep with my notes when i should be resting on the feathered couch...

but it wasnt that bad  coz....
i had the time to watch shows all day long with the notes closed in my hand,, even on the night of my finals...
Gossip Girl, 90210, American Next Topmodel 9,10,13.....thanx to cendy!
you saved me from poking my nose in those thick notes....
my ultimate ode to those coffee manufacturers.. even though the effect sort of died on me... but stilll, I appreciate the taste and the effort!

A damn round of applause to me, for breaking all the rules of exam study and still managing to pass at somebody's will..... luv ya...
Post Graduation, i am jobless, in the sense that i am no longer a student and i have got nothing in my hand!
but I am finding time to make myself feel all the more useless and carefree... but still responsible!

i am retrieving myself to the shopping world but everybody knows how much I dont prefer it! shopping aint bad but I am not worth that extravaganza...oopsy!
Meanwhile, i am engaged in thinking about the world that i left behind and now i gotta go back to it and most importantly face it with a smile! fingers crossed!

guess everything runs out for a reason and lord! gimme a reason worth reasoning...

IT'S ME THAT I AM KNOWNED FOR...

It’s the feeling. Deep inside that I am drowned into!

It’s the depth. Dug below that I am heaved into!

It’s the berth. Dark down that I am sunk into!

It’s the dark. Pitched back that I am blackened to!

It’s the phobia. Strongly seized that I am habituated to!

It’s the alcove. Beautifully woven that I am caught into!

It’s the catch. Stalwartly hold that I am secured onto!

It’s the cosset. Comfortably clutched that I am clanged onto!

It’s the crowd. Massively thronged that I am belonged to!

It’s the feel. Powerfully chained  that I am reasoned to!

It’s the light. Brightly shone that I am adhered to!

It’s the rays. Elegantly scattered that I am bathed into!

It’s the ripples. Justly formed that I am drunk into!

It’s the hands. Trustily held that I am linked with!

It’s the faces. Pleasantly smiled that I am welcomed to!

It’s the life. Blessedly bestowed that I am lived to!

It’s the cycle. Justified by me that I am circled in it!

FAR-AWAY WISH...

Your single wish makes my day….

Though you are far-fetched away…

You took the pain to alleviate me…

Your wish on my day…

Makes my day worthwhile…

I was born to greet your wish…

I smile in the fear of smiling again…

Knowing that my tear won’t fetch a smile…

I dream of the day when you will stand beside me..

Light up my birthday candles…

And blew all my Birthday candles with me…

A whiff of your breath can chill my days…

A touch of your hand can warm my soul…

I am addicted to your warmth…

I am obsesses with your addiction…

You may know I am here for you…

 You may also know I was here for you always…

Your light shines on me…

I am a gratitude to your LOVE…

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE CARED LESS...

 It goes without saying that I am handicapped- handicapped in every way when I am put into situation liek this. Like this situation when i know not what to say and how to defend. All the time i keep on thinking, why cant i say someting that can make everybody go numbed at that instance and forever. I just want to see everybody jaws falling when Ispeak my final truth but I am tied up. why am i so tied up? I have no answer to that. i keep on falling in my own words of silence.
Can somebody please back me up and tale a tale for me?
you cant be expecting me to defend myself coz you know well that i am allergic to defence but you can shield me coz you are also falling in the same allegations.
when words are spoken to mean something, I do not ignore the meaning but I do not accept the meaning too. you are no part of me to echo on my behalf and i am myself, not to echo back to your ignorance....
I read somewhere, "LIFE IS BUT A BED OF ROSES" but dont foregt roses are adorned with thorns...
you may think life is beautiful with your sarcasm but trust me, your sarcasm, may madden somebody! least I am not that somebody to succumb but I will construct it as my rose of living....

I admit I am helpless in my own ways but I am not hapless in my ways....

DA STEPS DAT I TOOK...

Sunday, the 25th april...

Being driven to the foothil of the BROGA was interestingly uneasy and anticipated particularly after my very early rise and shine at around 4:30am. Hastingly, I shoved myself into the back seat to wander off half-asleep. It was around 5:30am when my feet finally touched the ground in midst of a large crowd of early hikers. I was acompanied by 5 friends and a bag of apples and oranges and bottles of water on my hunched back. With tempted early chill, we slowly began tracing the steps that followed before us with torch light gazing on the ground like the floating moon. Halfway at my progress, I brushed myself against the numerous weeds and grasses that allied the track. Tall poplar trees interespered with the grasses, at times supporting the weak body that was being thrushed forward with every deep step. The climb became steeper with the slanting hill and I could hear the breeze flowing between my damp hair. The journey to the first hill was easy and smooth with my breath still intact. The little town lay still asleep in the early hours with the street lights torched high. As i turned around, I could see the two hills that I need to conquer. Quickly I unpaked my bag and all of us churned in for some light breakfast of bread and tuna along with the fruits that I had burdened to carry. hmmm how can I forget the photo session. It was the time for the actors to fall for the stage... hehehhe...

we stil had two more hills to conquer but we thought it was wise enough to witness the sunrise  from the first hill and then move forward. Before long, the cloud started to move apart and the sky began filling itself with shades of blue giving way to the glow of the sun. the view was spectacular as I followed the eye of the sun. As the heat gained momentum, the flashes became more evident and so the people now seem to be transperant... and full of life as the activity resumes.
the perch on the next hill was short and nice. It was a diferent feeling to be following the monkey steps in climbing the great rock and view the world in my vicinity....  The heat flashed high on the brow of everybody to feel its intensity. well, the crowd started gaining popularty so we made a quick move to thin it out. so, we began reversing our steps... everybody knows, the journey downhill is as consistent as the sleep... so there we go with the jumping steps and flowing sweats.... and the longing for the nice cosy sleep....


P.S.  my eyelids refuses to slid open... cant help

dreaming the dream of reality...

THE EARLY RISE..

ALIFT ME....

Sparkle of love afloat in the wide space…


I look on with eyes of admiration…

Rays of red light scatter in the night…

I am bathed in that scarlet of love…

Twinkle of laughter arise in the air…

I join with swift of exhilaration…

Notes of music breeze in the heavens…

I am blessed with countless nightingales…

Beads of affection are threaded in every corner…

I am beaded with thread of warmth…

Cluster of fireflies shone in my way…

I am lit up in the light of the bay…

RESULT OUT....

Oh ya... the final stress for the year was to be relieved only in the new year....
A week after the reopening of the university, i got my so called progress card which read the opposite.
i guess i anticipated it in full trust of my negligance...
Can i not believe what i saw... i scored the lowest in my english paper... holy shit.... gimme a break and coz of that my entire percentage volume went down the ladder. m so screwed up but cant help it either...
oh ya, i expceted my reuslt to slide down further and to my astonishment, it didn;t.
i am happy for myself....
i served myself judiciously for my neat mistake...

everything that ends well, begins well... 
hope for better times.... ;) XD

Cyclonic EMOTIONS....

I swirl in ecstasy …

You blink: not even once…

I whirl in bliss…

You know: not in which direction…

I twirl in love…

You retort: not with affection…

I spin in joy…

You smile: not knowing why…

I thrill in excitement…

You jump: with no desire…

I smile in glee….

You beam: with no rays…

I whip in anguish…

You notice: not my misery…

I churn in distress:

You empathize: not my feelings…

I whip in tears…

You wipe: not my emotions…

I lash in forlorn …

You accompany: not my soul….

I chuck in darkness…

You light: not my night…

I write in thoughts…

You care: not the words…

I poem in you…

You recite: not the feel…

I pray in hope…

You implore: not the dream…

I dream in smile…

You listen: not the sweetness…

I hold in faith…

You fathom: not the struggles…

I reach in you…

You arrive: not with the heart…

I reason in fairness…

You justice: not the blinded…

I AM GONE.... far away from me....

A new year of confrontation and confirmation, I am still searching for the perfect compromise. I stepped into the New Year with lots of aspirations and wishes but I feel like I am falling away from it. I am completely lost in my own world, which I have created. I am sheltering myself in the canopy of my own shadow and I am tethering with my fears and anxieties. Things look so bright and easy but the brightness of the world disappears with every thought and realization. Even my plight is tested at every step that falls in my path. I am so clueless and dangerously lost. I am so deep down confused with every single thing that I owe. Fears have started creeping in my mind and it is all that matters for, at the moment. And the moment is everlasting and never-ending. I can’t just stay calm and breathe long. It just doesn’t seem to happen with me. Sometimes I get over-excited and go aboard with my emotions and make stupid mistakes or silly acts which I repent afterwards. I look so much of a nerd and yet I feel too energized to be a nerd. I have absolutely no idea what phase of life I am going through. Maybe I am just over-expressing but I am not. Maybe I am just too worried about everything but I have nothing much to worry about. It can be case of acute understanding but how acute can acute be? Right now, I am feeling like a down-trodden girl writing a pre-suicide note. Omg, how can I be so insane about myself? 

I am gone… far away from myself…..

WITHERED....

Excepting you, 

                     I am all fred from miseries.....

underlining you,

                  I am all set to stand tall...

Believing you,

                I am lost...

forgeting you,

                 I am finding myself...