DAYS OF LOST TRIALS....

I am trying hard to breathe...
the air is too thin to breathe me out...
I am lost trying to find the perfect air around me...
I am still lost in the trying...
I can't be anywhere I choose to be...
But I am still stuck where I don't wanna be...
They say I should be grateful for where I am..
b.coz there are people who wants to be in my shoes...
I may not fit in this place...
but the place have enough space for me to fit in....
and I am lost in the colossal desert...
running for life and getting wasted in the soil...
with my heart buried in the sand ...
and my face burned in varied expressions which I know not of...
Coz there are countless expression....
to be delivered right across the free prison....

BENEATH THE LOST SHADOW…

Long before I used to listen…

My heart used to listen to me…

When I started listening…

My heart was listening to my hearings…

When I stopped listening…

My heart was talking to me all the time…

When I learnt to talk….

My heart was whispering to me….

When I slowed down my talking to whispering….

My loyal heart was murmuring to itself….

When I wasn’t loud and clear…

My heart was sleeping beautifully….

When I stopped talking…

My heart started hibernating…

When I lost everything in my speech…

My heart turned to deaf ears…

When I am silent again…

My heart is beating again…

I am lost in the shadows of your smile…

And you are found flowering in my life…

I am leaving this edge to be with you…

And you are living in the lie you never told me…

I can see it in your eyes…..

You don’t mean what comes from your lips…

I used to live everyday hearing your voice…

Now I am dying every day hearing my own cries….

Lost and lonely...

I am lost living in the days gone by that I can hardly see the future that lay before me…  maybe I am turning blind towards myself. Everybody thinks that I have gone astray. They can tell by the look on my declining face. I didn’t even realise that I was sinking that deep in my tears and fears but now when I look at myself in the mirror, I can tell that they weren’t lying to me. They were my mirror when I refuse to look into the glass. Now that I know that I am drifting away, I dunno where to anchor myself. I have drawn myself so far away that I can’t see any turning back. Even when I do I am not sure where to rest my rowing arms.  You have made me grow so badly that I can’t’ let myself wither away so nicely….

A little death of mine...

I have nothing to say on your part for the wrong you have done. You may be right in your way but it felt like a blow to my feeble heart that hasn’t grown strong till now.  I am still in the dilemma whether to love you or to let me love to hate you even more. Every time when I think about you, I cry to myself. I know there is no point in shedding those tears but I can feel that I am still alive with your thoughts. I always imagined my life to be filled with love and the love to come from the first person that I love. Sad but true, I am still living in that dream when my first love has already floated away right before my eyes. I am feeling weak now but I guess this weakness is much stronger than the strength I posses.  The tears that I shed have become a part of my life that I am not living.

I M DYING A L'LLE MORE INSIDE....

Past the imaginary funeral of mine...
I am still lying in the burial ground waiting to be buried...
I dunno how long I am gonna be laid out...
I so want this to end..
All this is killing me a little more inside...
each second pierces like the blade of the grass against those smooth skin...
I used to lay awake at night....
and think of the times that were never my past...
i used to dream of all those moments that i still see lingering in my bygone days..
I have lived moments trying to be still and calm..
but with passing day, i am seeing a new death in my face...
I wish i could recoil all of those unpleasant moments....
and straighten out the happy days....
right before my eyes... right here in my eyes..
Right in my closed Heart....

LIES OF FIDELITY...

I am scared to ink this lines but it would be scarier if I dont...
It's been a million of minutes since you last heard me..
You hear my scorns but you fail to listen to my cries...
I have been screaming for you but you barely heard my tears...
You may have seen my teary eyes but you never wipe out that fear...
It was a waterfall if you reckon but you hardly remember the tears that trickled...
I was waiting for the hands that you used to wipe out that tears...
but I was waiting in vain for that hand failed to land on my shoulders...
All this while I was trying to hide away all those fears and tears..
and you always let those rivers flow and those thunderbolts scream...
I may not be strong enough to hold those rainbows for disapperaing...
but those moments of color and light after those thunder showers are soothing...
I know it wont last for long but I am happy to be with it...
All I can feel now is nothing but your absence..
Your presence is never present even when you are with me...
I am lost living in the moment thinking of you...
You are lost living the life you chose...
 I am dying every single moment to be with you...

P.S. I need you now!!!!!

ALMOST INVISIBLE....

If it was the perfect moment, I would have smiled through my heart and radiated through my face but i guess it was the other side of the story. I cried for hours and I pinned myself on the floor bed to wash off those dirty rains of me and so it wasn't the perfect moment to be recalled and to be cherished. OMG, thats like a lot of phrases in one sigh!!!!!!!!
I still haven't got the clue to what you are doing to me. I am afraid to admit that I am no longer making sense to myself. Moreover I am addicted to your silence and to your mysterious ways. People around me are pushing me hard to go over you and to be me again but I am still stuck with the idea that you are always by my side. Its hard to tell anybody about the things you did to me but I am happy being silent of our love.

IT WILL RAIN...

Its a tiff with destiny...
when I am fighting for you...
you speak words of love...
but i hear sentences of words devoid of it...
I rather not listen to those troubled words...
I may burden myself with loads of treasured guilt...
Please spare me a moment to waste on myself...
Coz i have rarely been me lately even for a second...
you make me do things that the clouds do..
I am laden with too much tears that i cant afford to hold back...
I let it rain and find its way into the soil that never seeps...
I crawl back onto the memories...
and rain more with every moment that pierce my heart....

KISSING THE WIND ON MY BROW...

The rush of the evening breeze tells me that I am not facing the breeze anymore...
I rather tell myself that the wind is blowing on my face...
and not rushing through my hair anymore...
It is taking a toll off my smile and leaving behind a frown on my brow...
I rather not stand in its way or else it will leave me cold and lonely...
Days back, i waited for  the wind to come and blow my sorrow away...
days from then i stood in the path of the breeze to turn wild...
Days now, I am terrified of that very wilderness that i am facing every moment...
Every direction looks turbid and leaves me clueless of which direction to take...
Days from this moment, I will be pleading for a new rush of wind to take my away...
I dont want to linger around here anymore..
I want to blow away with the wind...
and not stand in its path...
I whisper to the wind that I am not a barrier in its way...
but it shouts back at me reminding me that I am not worth of my might...
and that I am hardly of any obstacle...
as my turmoil are heavy to carry with their grspeed...

Spring is here...
Green doesn't favor the grey anymore...
I am far from blooming again...
I have lost my seed for germination...
I might sleep in my winter all summer long....

THE NIGHT WHEN I RAINED WITH THE SNOW...

It wasn’t the perfect moment to remember nor was it the apt situation to recall….I would call it the burning seconds of my life which stretched into a night that felt like years….

Thick white snow was falling on the window sills without taping on the windowpanes… I lifted my head up to see the calm fall of the snow but landed back at holding back my neck towards the hole in the roof which supported the going out of the smoke through the tunnel that dug vertically. I could feel the freshness of the spring non-blowing wind with the first snowfall of the season. I stretched my aching hand from holding the hand phone for too long to grab the cool air that was revolving around me.  There was none to catch and I ended up looking at my tiny fingers that were numb from dialling the same digits over and over again. It didn’t take long for the fingers to get back to that routine again only to grieve my ears of hearing the same sentence again and again. Why wasn’t he picking up my phone? Lest he picks up his phone, why is his phone even switched off? Where had he gone? How could he do this to me? Why am I feeling so weak when he fails to answer a sing call of mine? There were endless questions roaming in my mind that I felt so crowded with unanswered queries. If only he left a single note to tell me where had he gone?  Had he really gone somewhere else without telling me or is he avoiding my calls? Was he aware of my presence? Had he really gone or was he telling me a different tale by keeping his phone away from him? Did he not care for me? Can it be worse than the earlier thoughts and questions? Was he even faithful to me? Did he find someone else? Was I too incompetent for his love? Am I not worthy of his words? Can be it that he was satisfied with me and my love? Or the worse that mattered. Did he even love me? Has his love for me died? What could be the reason for this silent puncture through my aged heart?

With every thought, a tear rolled down my cheeks. I could hear the tears pooling in my eyes and drop by drop leaving the eye, rolling down the cheeks and onto the pillow where my head lay rested. Even when a millions tears ran down the cheeks, I could not possibly feel the eye gone dry.  All I did was to silently let the tears rain onto the pillow with my eyes wide open, staring at the dark night. I was still searching for his glowing light against the dark night and prayed that he might come out of the dark and kiss me lightly on my parched lips and make them alive again… just to call out for him and kiss me endlessly under the grey night sky standing in the falling snow. Alas! My prayers were still a prayer waiting to be heard!!!

Through the sleepless nights, I gazed at him with my eyes closed and smiled with all my heart at the memoirs that were trapped in my mind. How I wished I could hear him once more and hear me loving him once again. I opened my eyes to wash off the dream and rain a bit more with the snow. I shifted off my eyes in new direction to make myself at peace but it ended up crying even more. I took my hand phone and read the messages he had sent to me while he was still with me. I read and re-read the messages and with every word, I rolled down a tear. I have done this for the last many moments when he had left him alone wandering in my memories. I rummaged through my memories to find a moment that could soothe me this last time.  I smiled through my tears recalling all those great months we had spent together but none of it made me stop crying.

Slowly the seconds of the clock ticked on. I stared blankly against the blank night. I could hear the ticking off the clock and I calculated every second in my mind. I waited all night long for the dawn to break the silence of the night. I repeated the flapping of my eyelids every now and then and with every flap, my heart beats a third. I was only too solemn to confess my fidelity and ignore its infidelity.