It wasn’t the perfect moment to remember nor was it the apt
situation to recall….I would call it the burning seconds of my life which stretched
into a night that felt like years….
Thick white snow was falling on the window sills without taping
on the windowpanes… I lifted my head up to see the calm fall of the snow but
landed back at holding back my neck towards the hole in the roof which
supported the going out of the smoke through the tunnel that dug vertically. I could
feel the freshness of the spring non-blowing wind with the first snowfall of
the season. I stretched my aching hand from holding the hand phone for too long
to grab the cool air that was revolving around me. There was none to catch and I ended up looking
at my tiny fingers that were numb from dialling the same digits over and over
again. It didn’t take long for the fingers to get back to that routine again
only to grieve my ears of hearing the same sentence again and again. Why wasn’t
he picking up my phone? Lest he picks up his phone, why is his phone even
switched off? Where had he gone? How could he do this to me? Why am I feeling
so weak when he fails to answer a sing call of mine? There were endless
questions roaming in my mind that I felt so crowded with unanswered queries. If
only he left a single note to tell me where had he gone? Had he really gone somewhere else without
telling me or is he avoiding my calls? Was he aware of my presence? Had he
really gone or was he telling me a different tale by keeping his phone away
from him? Did he not care for me? Can it be worse than the earlier thoughts and
questions? Was he even faithful to me? Did he find someone else? Was I too
incompetent for his love? Am I not worthy of his words? Can be it that he was
satisfied with me and my love? Or the worse that mattered. Did he even love me?
Has his love for me died? What could be the reason for this silent puncture
through my aged heart?
With every thought, a tear rolled down my cheeks. I could
hear the tears pooling in my eyes and drop by drop leaving the eye, rolling
down the cheeks and onto the pillow where my head lay rested. Even when a
millions tears ran down the cheeks, I could not possibly feel the eye gone
dry. All I did was to silently let the
tears rain onto the pillow with my eyes wide open, staring at the dark night. I
was still searching for his glowing light against the dark night and prayed
that he might come out of the dark and kiss me lightly on my parched lips and make
them alive again… just to call out for him and kiss me endlessly under the grey
night sky standing in the falling snow. Alas! My prayers were still a prayer
waiting to be heard!!!
Through the sleepless nights, I gazed at him with my eyes
closed and smiled with all my heart at the memoirs that were trapped in my
mind. How I wished I could hear him once more and hear me loving him once
again. I opened my eyes to wash off the dream and rain a bit more with the
snow. I shifted off my eyes in new direction to make myself at peace but it
ended up crying even more. I took my hand phone and read the messages he had
sent to me while he was still with me. I read and re-read the messages and with
every word, I rolled down a tear. I have done this for the last many moments
when he had left him alone wandering in my memories. I rummaged through my
memories to find a moment that could soothe me this last time. I smiled through my tears recalling all those
great months we had spent together but none of it made me stop crying.
Slowly the seconds of the clock ticked on. I stared blankly
against the blank night. I could hear the ticking off the clock and I calculated
every second in my mind. I waited all night long for the dawn to break the
silence of the night. I repeated the flapping of my eyelids every now and then
and with every flap, my heart beats a third. I was only too solemn to confess
my fidelity and ignore its infidelity.
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