WISH..... I can time back the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sighhhhhh

I badly need to rewrite my exam papers again. I have never felt so bad about my papers before. Partly because I wrote it so badly, as bad as the papers that was so white and ghastly. I remembered I thanked lord for the familiar questions but I forgot to ask him for a little more memory to answer those questions. So, likely, I ran out of my so called common sense. It taught me the most common lesson that took years to embed in my head- COMMON SENSE IS NOT SO COMMON!

1st day of my final exam….

9am-11am: Business English... gosh, I was so damn nervous when I headed towards the door to be seated. But as always English is like the slipping sand… so smooth and yet so stagnant… I wish every exam was English…. I had to write 1 cover letter, one letter of complaint, 2 documents and few active& passive sentences….

12pm- 2pm: Basic French 1… lol, I was anticipating the toughest of my time but luckily I think I managed to seep through it. As it was very basic, all the grammar was included and also I had to describe a picture which was as bad as… anything you can think of. Yeah, I even had to write something about me in French in not less than 50 words but I knew about it beforehand… so I wrote…

Salut! Je m’appelle Tashi. Je habite a’ Selangor en Malaisie. Je suis étudiante de la fac Taylor. Mes parents s’appellent tashi sandup et tashi dolma. Mon père’ est gentilé et sympa. Il a 50 ans. Il est chef de famille. Ma mère’ est belle est jolie. J’ai deux faires. Ils s’appellent Otzer et Chakdor. Ils sont étudient aussi en Inde. Moi, indienne et j’habite aves mes famille. J’aime beaucoup la musiqué, la lecture et la danse. Je parle anglais, ‘indienne et français. Je n’ai pas étudient.

A’ bientôt.....

3pm- 5pm : Food science and sanitation 2... the paper came out as expected. It was fairly easy despite my bad feeling. It’s all about HACCP- hazard analysis and critical control point. I think by now, I have developed a strong detest against HACCP. Who cares about sanitation if not for the health commission… (gosh it killed me to sit in the class so like I do, I always sneak onto novels…. Great attention… )

2nd day of my exam….

9-11am: principles of economics… gosh I hated to study economics but trust me, the paper was exactly the same the lecturer displayed as a sample. Gosh, if only I had paid a heed to him at that moment. But no regrets… coz I am not that unhappy with how it went.

12-2pm: Customer relation and sales…. Here comes the whale of the sea. Dammit, I am feeling so bad that my paper looked like a piece of abandoned shit. Even though I knew all the answers somehow I couldn’t relate my answers to the questions. Miss Suzanne gave us the tips beforehand. She even told us about the case study on the recent Thailand riots but I expected it to like the one which showed as the sample. Damn, it was so lot different. She gave only figures in the case study and expects us to relate personal equation to it. Oh lord! How can I possibly relate good grooming to dropping sales figure? Either I was mad enough not to grasp anything or it was beyond my understanding capacity. I am sunken in deep shit now. There goes my mood and my motivation to write anything further. …I hate to think about it... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

3PM-5PM: Elements of Budgeting and cost accounting… the more glam and great the subject sounds the uglier and degrading it is. I do not mean to sound so bad but I can’t help it. Though the paper was pretty ok, I failed to deliver it as prettily as it looked. I left void spaces in the first section and again in the calculation section. I knew the theory and the method but I dunno how I missed out one simple step that cost me my entire marks. I didn’t realize my mistake even after submitting my paper. it was only when my friend asked me about it after one hour of the exam and then, my memory reversed as a shock to myself. I haven’t felt so bad before. I lost my entire mood to party and have fun so I crawled into my bed at 6pm and slept till 5am. Gosh it’s nearly 12 hours round the clock.

I was obliged to wake up because of the commis service I have to render at 7:30am coz it was COMPULSORY. The basic idea behind it is to help the seniors in their final exam and also see for ourselves how the exams are being conducted. It looks pretty scary with 5 external examiners and 5-6 internal examiners. The restaurant was floating with examiners. I was restricted to the Bar service. It was simple- keep the bar clean and make coffee/ tea when requested. I made myself few cups of coffee. So I had my day…

But the day was not yet over… hehe coz I had to rush to the stewarding area to help with the cutleries and crockery’s. Oh my Gosh, I worked like a donkey…. My lecturer told me the same thing. At least it was noticed. I am glad. My commis work finished by 2pm. And so I am back with a dizzy head and drained energy.

The exam week was stressful but I never missed to watch at least one football match or watch a movie. Guess that infidelity paid me back in the form of blankness…

P.S. I wish I can rewind everything that I winded wrongly….

IMPRESSION.... express to impress....

The anticipation with the drops of perspiration beaded on thy brow lasted long enough to cool down the heat that radiated hot. It has been weeks of running in between the people and the papers that a sudden run along the aisle seem like an empty void. Thanks to the faces that supplanted the titles that finally I have heaved out my long and deep sigh of relief. 10th of June 2010 wouldn’t have made a deep IMPRESSION on my life if not for my short life as the vice-president of the forum.
Well, all the credit goes to Derrick who voted for me to run for the President seat. That came as a shocking surprise as I never thought anybody would see the president in me. I prayed for the wrong toss. Well, I was saved with one less vote than my President. So that’s how I was chosen to be the V.P. you got to do one thing in your life so I took it.  I judged fair when I chaired the first meeting followed by the second meeting that was really productive. The final meeting was all about getting the jobs done and settling the final decorum for the forum.  And so the forum was all set to get audience. 
IMPRESSION- express to impress… was all about your first impression!!! Guess, it is the key to all locks. Our speakers for the event were on fairly judgmental backgrounds.
A gentleman- Mr Murphy Lee (life planner) Great eastern insurance.--- Detailing from the first eye contact till the last firm handshake…
Ms. Suzanne Lee (lecturer, Sales and marketing), Taylors College…exclusively about the body language that reads out your entire personality…
Ms. Eva Koh (Hair stylist) Snips hair dressing saloon… the hair that suits the eye and the character you are wearing on yourself with live demo on hair makeup and face make up…. It was meant to be interesting…
The three speakers were the weight of the forum apart from our impressive stage presentation and venue. We had the biggest lecture hall that can accommodate more than 300 people. I admit I was real scared and in complete paradox about the emptiness of the hall. But I was proved wrong. Thanks to our 3 days of continued advertisement and mutual agreement between the other groups. 
At the end of the day, it is the effort that counts to be a success, though numbers are still doing the counting. It was a pleasure to share the space with our mentor, Ms Vivian. I solely appreciate the co-operation of my entire group esp. my President, and the Deco team. It was a show worth ticketing. There may not be a red carpet laid down for the event but the two white canvass boards to crave out every individuals signature curbed the red carpet away. 
It is to be remembered by all the blue ribboned tags hanging down the neck of every committee members.

  We expressed and so we impressed!!!

DA MARCH DAT STIL MARCHES.....

My eye fought against the drooping eyelashes even when it failed to wake open wide. Finally it lashed out of the sleeping dark to flap against the crack of the dawn. It was past 6:30am when I took a good glance at the buzzing alarm, still half awake. Draping the curtains to the side, I touched the first light of the day and tossed away my head from the kissing sun. I needed to rush myself to get early for the Wesak celebration. The previous night Wesak eve had gone smoothly with the Dhamma songs and Dhamma sharing program. But today, I was looking for extra Dhamma culmination and a wonderful lunch if fated. For the morning session, I had planned to go to BGF and lend some helping hand and of course enjoy realizing my being as a Buddhist. It was my first time to celebrate wesak in BGF, so I had little extra anticipation. Last year, I had joined BUBS for the wesak and I even had managed to do some Dhammadutta by helping out at the stall selling Tsai bakuteh. (A Chinese pork food, but altered to veg. for wesak sake) it was real hot although I had fun with it coz I didn’t know what I was selling at the time of selling. I came to know about it after I had closed down the stall. That was really ignorant of me. But this year was not going to stall again, that was for sure.  So as the day passed, I have captured a beautiful moment of life where I was full in with the people here- Listening to the Dhamma talk, singing some melodious songs along with Igemz and saving the good part for the last of the program, a nice simple lunch. Every grain that we eat must be repaid. So I did repay by contributing my energy in cleaning up the mess and packaging the excess food. It was time to head in another direction coz BGF is a smaller Buddhist society and they don’t drag the program whole day long so that the people can go to other bigger temple to give support.
For the evening celebration, I rushed to brickfields temple, which is one of the biggest temple in the country. I reached there just in time for the program to start. The veneration to the Buddha began with some kind of traditional Sri-Lankan dance followed by the usual political speeches. I gazed around to find myself at the front side of the stage. So I quickly dragged myself to the arena where people light oil lamps in their name. I had a smirk on my face when I saw the oil lamps literally. In my home, oil lamps are pure oil lamps with the purpose of ‘pure illumination’. Even here, it does signify ‘illuminating the dark world’ or “making aspiration” but they use half water and half oil. Oil and water don’t mix so it saves the cost. But the thousands lamps glowing in the dark was a salvation to the burdened heart. It was captivating and spiritual at the same time.
I followed back to the program. The grand long awaited time had finally arrived when the body of followers will flow in unison with the Buddha’s float all the way long in the heart of Kl city blocking all the traffics and holding the stares all around. After dragging on for few minutes, I found myself walking behind the float of a Mahayana Buddhist society. I was sure I was praying with the group but I was not sure what I was murmuring. I just followed the Chinese chanting and I was pretty quick to catch up the words. How far it was correct, the baby Buddha smiling in front of me could have known. I had persuaded my friend to join me till the bend in the road. I looked sideways to see if she was still there but expectantly she had walked back leaving an odd blue colored girl walking among the yellow colored shirts. I continued with my marching only to hear a tap on my shoulder, few bends down the road to know that she was still around and she dared not to leave me alone. It felt nice and strong.  We entered the city traffic with hundreds faces positioned like an avenue to have a glimpse of the huge long procession. Flashes on and off all the time and all I could hear was not my own chanting but the one which I was following. My eyes were fixed upon the baby Buddha spinning around in its first declaration pose “I am the king of this world; no-one is supreme to me. This is my last birth; there is no rebirth for me”. I was realizing, I needed to moisten my drying throat, so I took a mouthful of the small bottled water that I was carrying with me, saving the rest if needed. After walking long with the Mahayana group, I left that group to join another group coz my friend saw other good floats ahead of us. So we started with our hopping on. I joined another Mahayana group where a monk was seated on the lotus seat of the float. It was nice to see him participating but he was kind of meditating with his eyes closed. I felt bad at being so pessimist but I couldn’t let myself from thinking: how can he meditate in such a crowd? Maybe he was contemplating but contemplation is meditation. Isn’t it? Or maybe he was rejoicing within. Anyways leave that. So we took good many pictures of the float which was themed on going green and becoming a vegetarian. It was nice that at least it was conveying a message through Dhamma.  We progressed to walk ahead of that group to join the Ti-ratana Buddhist society. I didn’t walk with them for long and quickly joined a vajrayana Buddhist society- karma kargyud society. Three monks were seated on the float and chanting Muni Muni. (A Buddhist prayer).  By now I had walked almost one hour and half. The lingering crowd was still intact and faces along the way beaming yet astonished. I saw the twin tower, so I knew I was in the heart of Kl now. Wow! Such a long march! I chanted along with the group while my friend was busy taking pictures. I walked ahead of the float and so I came to meet up with Bro Kevin from Indonesia. He was walking alone and I caught up with him. By the time, we reached another roundabout, I lost the sight of him and that time I was catching up with the beats of Chinese songs sung by another youth group. I kept myself to their company only to get amused by the never heard Chinese songs. So I returned back to the vajrayana group. I noticed that they had erected two Mani on either side of the float and it looked great with the small Buddha statue placed in the mid at the far end with the three monks seated with reverence. The group was real active with the members stopping the entire float in the middle of the procession for a group photo. Though I was not associated with the society in any way, I still stood front for my face to appear. My friend was ridiculing me but it mattered less. By the time, we reached hotel Istana; my bottle had gone empty, so I quickly rushed in one of the 7-11 shop to buy a bottle of ice lemon tea. Few steps down the road, they were giving away free mineral water. But I already had brought my juice. We kept on marching, talking to ourselves while chanting. Slowly I hopped on to witness other groups. I saw a Nepali group behind and so I went there to be blessed by drops of the water that the monks were sprinkling at the crowd to soothe the heat though it was meant to be a blessing. Receiving few drops of water on me and more drops on my glasses, I moved ahead to join my last left group. By that time, Dee’s camera battery was down and so she was no longing acting as Japanese. So we walked on and on till we knew we have reached near. It looked up at the buildings to notice that we have been walking almost 2 hours and I was still feeling great. A pang of hunger once hit me when I smelled food from a restaurant coz I hadn’t taken my dinner and I had my lunch at 12pm. But I was still fine after gulping down the entire juice. I was messaging a friend of mine when the float hit the wirings at the highway. In fact it was the high flagpole erected at the sides of the float that touched the wires. So we had to stop a while to fix it. But thankfully it didn’t take long and made no damage or whatsoever. The float took a U-turn rather than following the procession. And so I left that group and walked back to the temple without any group.
It was almost 11pm when we reached. We had started at 8pm. That sums up that we have walked for almost 3 hours. It was definitely a rejoicing moment. I rested for a while and then helped with the clearance. It was 12pm when we headed back. We had a few good snacks not to let ourselves sleep with an empty stomach. I browsed for a while and then cuddled into the sweet paradise awaited.
Long before my head touched the pillow, I had drawn myself away from the pulsating moment of the night with my lips curled to the extent!

Teluk intan.... da drive 4 da leanin tower...

 

SOUTHWEST RECLINE..... 

 

SCRIBBLED YET ENCRAVED DEEP.

TEARS IN THE RAIN.....

Though its not raining at the moment, but the dampness caused by the flowing tears can be a rain enough. i hate to sob but i dont mind trickling drops of despair when i am drowned deep.

Today aint n important day in my calendered history but i am feeling so low and down. cant help myself to explain it. it never crossed my mind that i am so unsure about my emotions until i got to leash those trickling tears. besides I knew am tough at not spilling those rivers but the tears proved me worng again.

apologetically, i broke down again... i promised to be strong for you but you never cared to look back at me... see for yorself how hard am trying to be you. i fathom your inevitable law. I cant hear you but high above, can you hear me? I need you to read me....... its a sigh....

i was holding them back for so long and my dear chef broke that silence of my sobs. out of blue, he just apperared online and began talking to me. it was really nostalgic.....chef, u made me to cry a river... and i lost my tears at your courtsey.... i miss you and i made it known to you too. kitchen class is not delicious without you.... hshhhhh

oops!!!!!!!!! i have troubled myself again.... its chaotic to flow with your tears...
m adamant to fight it back.... cuddled in my soft strains, i trying to be hard enough to grasp it back...

P.S. I MIZ U... ...... hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

The WINNER stands ALONE...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.
Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

 And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the on less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

WHO WROTE THIS.... no clue wat it conveys...

Enclosed in my teardrop addiction…
It continues to stretch to the far end where the focal meets…
My eyelashes flap and everything returns back to somewhere else…
Suddenly everything is blurred out by the transparent morbid tears…
I adjust my hand but to clear away the just flowed stream…
But I hand over my sobs to make breathing a more of a whiff…
But now I am accepting the consequences of that discarded reality….
Do you still expect me to flow you a river of love…
When the pond had been long dried with your evaporated feeling…
It’s just the surface that glared high into the mirror…
Hold tight the word that you never gave a moment’s thought…
Coz baby, you will be lonely without a word to the heard again…
You decided to throw away the sentences that were long spoken…
Did you even manage to pool aside your spits that flew in your face…?
Trust me to my words when I say…
You will be deserted with the words that you uttered…
My spoken words were hollow to your ego laden dialogues…
But take it to my words you will start to measure the depth of that hollowness now…
Think about the time that you shut open to disgrace my fidelity….
You will cry for that time as I cried at that time…
I gracefully floated you on the waves of my tears when you lost your oar…
Now when you have shun the waves that carried you…
You are drowned along with torrents of spite and remorse…

THE JEWEL in her NAME..... treasure it in thy grave...

You came into her life like the whoosh of the wand…
And you just lingered around like the tailing wizard…
Though now you are miles beyond her reach…
You still circle her life in your orbit…
It is a wishful thinking to let you go…
Coz she have no yearning for you anymore …
She may have said many silent prayers in your name…
To ward you off from the episodes she chose to model…
But you resonated louder with every word sparked…
She was helpless…
She was caught in the whirl of unjust sacrifice …
She was trying to be strong in these moments of despair…
Please don’t weaken her graved soul…
Let it slumber in the wildly soiled yard….
It ached her broken heart to outline your disappearing figure…
Let not fantasize your face withered from her memoir…
It cracked her down to break your image…
She didn’t have the artist left in her to remodel you…
So show a little mercy on this crumbled innocence…
And let the wind blow you away from her air…
She needs to breathe a stale air without your aura…
Lest for the troubled soul, shun your world for her…
Forbidden kingdom is the coffin she has been destined…
Be kind to the self-poisoned prisoner…
For her pleas for the time that outnumbers her reign…
Long before you can vow to face her fate…
She will be swallowed with pride of her seclusion …
Sweat your brow with her pearls…
Coz she no longer form the dew in the morn…
Hold out your hand in her company…
She may soothe you with her spiteful narration…
But she holds back to let you breathe out her name…
A name she never carried as her possession…
Though she may be the jewel in her NAME….
Price the jewel and let go of the soul....

CONVULATIONS.... drown deep....

Here and again…

I smoother my lines of fate and destiny…

It wretches thy heart to witness the inevitable agony…

Pooling her hazel eye with undoubted tears of nakedness…
She slowly gulps her long breath to cry out a whim…
A squall of warm air thrushes out of the feeble lungs…
And the face regains the posture of a calmed tempest…
Caught in the whirl of haplessness and frustration…
All she can hope for is a whip of social sacrifice…
Looking into the mirrored self,
She fails to recognize the face facing her…
The clear brow has been furrowed deep…
Deep with memoir that continue to haunt her…
Of lines curved yet narrating a straight story…
Every crease on her temple has a story to be told…
Thin story to be replaced for the short ugly troughs…
Uneven tales to be told for the lines that run mid-way…
Those thick grotesque wrinkles can be a novel narrative…
Everybody can read the story of her undulated lines…
But not everybody can study the undulated lines…
She does cares to take a look at her fragmented legend …
For she belonged to that legend: she is the reign of that time…
Reign… she was reined to stand for the time that opposed her…
Time… that surpassed her freedom for her desire to crave…
Crave… for a life that she should have been living…
Living… to the peak where she desired to be crowned…
Crown… not with jewels but with the value of a soul…
Soul…. That still slumbers in the wild….

DA STEPS DAT I TOOK...

it was the day which i would mind calling a great day... Sunday, the 25th april...

Being driven to the foothil of the BROGA was interestingly uneasy and anticipated particularly after my very early rise and shine at around 4:30am. Hastingly, I shoved myself into the back seat to wander off half-asleep. It was around 5:30am when my feet finally touched the ground in midst of a large crowd of early hikers. I was acompanied by 5 friends and a bag of apples and oranges and bottles of water on my hunched back. With tempted early chill, we slowly began tracing the steps that followed before us with torch light gazing on the ground like the floating moon. Halfway at my progress, I brushed myself against the numerous weeds and grasses that allied the track. Tall poplar trees interespered with the grasses, at times supporting the weak body that was being thrushed forward with every deep step. The climb became steeper with the slanting hill and I could hear the breeze flowing between my damp hair. The journey to the first hill was easy and smooth with my breath still intact. The little town lay still asleep in the early hours with the street lights torched high. As i turned around, I could see the two hills that I need to conquer. Quickly I unpaked my bag and all of us churned in for some light breakfast of bread and tuna along with the fruits that I had burdened to carry. hmmm how can I forget the photo session. It was the time for the actors to fall for the stage... hehehhe...

we stil had two more hills to conquer but we thought it was wise enough to witness the sunrise  from the first hill and then move forward. Before long, the cloud started to move apart and the sky began filling itself with shades of blue giving way to the glow of the sun. the view was spectacular as I followed the eye of the sun. As the heat gained momentum, the flashes became more evident and so the people now seem to be transperant... and full of life as the activity resumes.
the perch on the next hill was short and nice. It was a diferent feeling to be following the monkey steps in climbing the great rock and view the world in my vicinity....  The heat flashed high on the brow of everybody to feel its intensity. well, the crowd started gaining popularty so we made a quick move to thin it out. so, we began reversing our steps... everybody knows, the journey downhill is as consistent as the sleep... so there we go with the jumping steps and flowing sweats.... and the longing for the nice cosy sleep....

P.S.  my eyelids refuses to slid open... cant help dreaming the dream of reality...