LIST OF LOTS....

I am not crying...
...its the tears that's flowing...

I am not sad...
... its just that the happiness is no longer with me...

I am not disappointed....
.... The gladness has just ran away from me....

I am not frowning...
.... the long-face is in action now...

I am not laughing...
.... the tears haven;t run dry yet....

Dry pillows doesn't always means dry eyes...
.... tears run dry when the pillows ain't wet....

Caught up in the Turmoil...

I haven't seen stars fade infront of their light...
I haven't witnessed the fall of the light after dawn...
Sometimes I lay awake and miss the light before dawn...
While I do so, I forget the light that I love after the dawn...

I try to catch my breath at dusk...
before the sun falls in the pitch...
I hold back my sight at the set...
But I can no longer see the setting sun...

I am bathed in orange light..
and I see red light far from afar...
I see the yellow merge with the grey...
and soon it is dark to see the pattern that follows...

I stand in the dark...
and miss the clamor of the day...
i yearn for the day to arrive..
coz I am too weary thinking in the dark...

I close my eyes to sleep...
and let my mind wander in my dream...
Alas! I see no dream...
and my eyes are no closed yet...

I cover my face in my palms...
and imprint my destiny on my brow..
I pray for a hope to come my way...
and I rest my prayers in the Hope that might come...

I lay back and try to forget my fears....
but I still fear my fears would return back to me again...
 I am sailing in my fears....
and I know I am drowning in my sail...

DAYS OF LOST TRIALS....

I am trying hard to breathe...
the air is too thin to breathe me out...
I am lost trying to find the perfect air around me...
I am still lost in the trying...
I can't be anywhere I choose to be...
But I am still stuck where I don't wanna be...
They say I should be grateful for where I am..
b.coz there are people who wants to be in my shoes...
I may not fit in this place...
but the place have enough space for me to fit in....
and I am lost in the colossal desert...
running for life and getting wasted in the soil...
with my heart buried in the sand ...
and my face burned in varied expressions which I know not of...
Coz there are countless expression....
to be delivered right across the free prison....

BENEATH THE LOST SHADOW…

Long before I used to listen…

My heart used to listen to me…

When I started listening…

My heart was listening to my hearings…

When I stopped listening…

My heart was talking to me all the time…

When I learnt to talk….

My heart was whispering to me….

When I slowed down my talking to whispering….

My loyal heart was murmuring to itself….

When I wasn’t loud and clear…

My heart was sleeping beautifully….

When I stopped talking…

My heart started hibernating…

When I lost everything in my speech…

My heart turned to deaf ears…

When I am silent again…

My heart is beating again…

I am lost in the shadows of your smile…

And you are found flowering in my life…

I am leaving this edge to be with you…

And you are living in the lie you never told me…

I can see it in your eyes…..

You don’t mean what comes from your lips…

I used to live everyday hearing your voice…

Now I am dying every day hearing my own cries….

Lost and lonely...

I am lost living in the days gone by that I can hardly see the future that lay before me…  maybe I am turning blind towards myself. Everybody thinks that I have gone astray. They can tell by the look on my declining face. I didn’t even realise that I was sinking that deep in my tears and fears but now when I look at myself in the mirror, I can tell that they weren’t lying to me. They were my mirror when I refuse to look into the glass. Now that I know that I am drifting away, I dunno where to anchor myself. I have drawn myself so far away that I can’t see any turning back. Even when I do I am not sure where to rest my rowing arms.  You have made me grow so badly that I can’t’ let myself wither away so nicely….

A little death of mine...

I have nothing to say on your part for the wrong you have done. You may be right in your way but it felt like a blow to my feeble heart that hasn’t grown strong till now.  I am still in the dilemma whether to love you or to let me love to hate you even more. Every time when I think about you, I cry to myself. I know there is no point in shedding those tears but I can feel that I am still alive with your thoughts. I always imagined my life to be filled with love and the love to come from the first person that I love. Sad but true, I am still living in that dream when my first love has already floated away right before my eyes. I am feeling weak now but I guess this weakness is much stronger than the strength I posses.  The tears that I shed have become a part of my life that I am not living.

I M DYING A L'LLE MORE INSIDE....

Past the imaginary funeral of mine...
I am still lying in the burial ground waiting to be buried...
I dunno how long I am gonna be laid out...
I so want this to end..
All this is killing me a little more inside...
each second pierces like the blade of the grass against those smooth skin...
I used to lay awake at night....
and think of the times that were never my past...
i used to dream of all those moments that i still see lingering in my bygone days..
I have lived moments trying to be still and calm..
but with passing day, i am seeing a new death in my face...
I wish i could recoil all of those unpleasant moments....
and straighten out the happy days....
right before my eyes... right here in my eyes..
Right in my closed Heart....

LIES OF FIDELITY...

I am scared to ink this lines but it would be scarier if I dont...
It's been a million of minutes since you last heard me..
You hear my scorns but you fail to listen to my cries...
I have been screaming for you but you barely heard my tears...
You may have seen my teary eyes but you never wipe out that fear...
It was a waterfall if you reckon but you hardly remember the tears that trickled...
I was waiting for the hands that you used to wipe out that tears...
but I was waiting in vain for that hand failed to land on my shoulders...
All this while I was trying to hide away all those fears and tears..
and you always let those rivers flow and those thunderbolts scream...
I may not be strong enough to hold those rainbows for disapperaing...
but those moments of color and light after those thunder showers are soothing...
I know it wont last for long but I am happy to be with it...
All I can feel now is nothing but your absence..
Your presence is never present even when you are with me...
I am lost living in the moment thinking of you...
You are lost living the life you chose...
 I am dying every single moment to be with you...

P.S. I need you now!!!!!

ALMOST INVISIBLE....

If it was the perfect moment, I would have smiled through my heart and radiated through my face but i guess it was the other side of the story. I cried for hours and I pinned myself on the floor bed to wash off those dirty rains of me and so it wasn't the perfect moment to be recalled and to be cherished. OMG, thats like a lot of phrases in one sigh!!!!!!!!
I still haven't got the clue to what you are doing to me. I am afraid to admit that I am no longer making sense to myself. Moreover I am addicted to your silence and to your mysterious ways. People around me are pushing me hard to go over you and to be me again but I am still stuck with the idea that you are always by my side. Its hard to tell anybody about the things you did to me but I am happy being silent of our love.

IT WILL RAIN...

Its a tiff with destiny...
when I am fighting for you...
you speak words of love...
but i hear sentences of words devoid of it...
I rather not listen to those troubled words...
I may burden myself with loads of treasured guilt...
Please spare me a moment to waste on myself...
Coz i have rarely been me lately even for a second...
you make me do things that the clouds do..
I am laden with too much tears that i cant afford to hold back...
I let it rain and find its way into the soil that never seeps...
I crawl back onto the memories...
and rain more with every moment that pierce my heart....