SEARCHING YOU IN ME...

Whenever my day is over...
Before I let loose my hair...
Before I remove my nerdy looks...
Before I look at the blank wall...
Before I notice the setting of the time..
Before I put off those lights...
I always long to hear your voice....

Whenever the candles have been blown away...
Before I furrow in my bed...
Before I heave a big sigh....
Before I stare in the darkness....
Before I think of picking up my phone...
Before I call you like I always do...
I always wish to hear you whisper my name...

Whenever my head touch the pillows....
Before I wander in my dreams...
Before I look for you under my closed eyes...
Before I think of you yet again...
Before I sleep into another day....
I will always wish you be by my side when i wake up in the morning...

And believe your sleeping face before I start missing you again....

I wanna scream....

not much long ago, i was singing to the birds and whistling to the winds...
hours later, i was talking to the people and scribbling on the ground.
hour ago, i was fetching the water and mumbling to myself.
minutes ago, i was squealing like a animal and howling like a wolf.
seconds ago, i was raining the tears on myself and sobbing through the tears.
now, i am just standing and staring in the space.
i think i will burst out if somebody poked me.
i feel like losing myself to the wind and throbbing to the earth but all i can do is to wipe those tears away....
i can go wild any minute if you even look into my direction...
i think i am going to scream at the top of my lungs...

i wanna split this moment in countless pieces so that i can never jigsaw it again...

MAKE IT WORTHWHILE

sometimes, I lay on my back...
think of all the times that i miss the most...
I walk down the memory lane..
find you waiting for me...
smiling at me and gazing out in the open air...
I sit by your side and you hold me in you arms...
I see the waving flags...
and I see the stars shining down upon us...

I go back to the time...
when you were starting to becoming somebody to me....
the day you drove me away into the sand and the stars...
the day you kissed me softly...
the moment I drew back myself to comfort myself...
the time, when I almost had you smitten...

LIST OF LOTS....

I am not crying...
...its the tears that's flowing...

I am not sad...
... its just that the happiness is no longer with me...

I am not disappointed....
.... The gladness has just ran away from me....

I am not frowning...
.... the long-face is in action now...

I am not laughing...
.... the tears haven;t run dry yet....

Dry pillows doesn't always means dry eyes...
.... tears run dry when the pillows ain't wet....

Caught up in the Turmoil...

I haven't seen stars fade infront of their light...
I haven't witnessed the fall of the light after dawn...
Sometimes I lay awake and miss the light before dawn...
While I do so, I forget the light that I love after the dawn...

I try to catch my breath at dusk...
before the sun falls in the pitch...
I hold back my sight at the set...
But I can no longer see the setting sun...

I am bathed in orange light..
and I see red light far from afar...
I see the yellow merge with the grey...
and soon it is dark to see the pattern that follows...

I stand in the dark...
and miss the clamor of the day...
i yearn for the day to arrive..
coz I am too weary thinking in the dark...

I close my eyes to sleep...
and let my mind wander in my dream...
Alas! I see no dream...
and my eyes are no closed yet...

I cover my face in my palms...
and imprint my destiny on my brow..
I pray for a hope to come my way...
and I rest my prayers in the Hope that might come...

I lay back and try to forget my fears....
but I still fear my fears would return back to me again...
 I am sailing in my fears....
and I know I am drowning in my sail...

DAYS OF LOST TRIALS....

I am trying hard to breathe...
the air is too thin to breathe me out...
I am lost trying to find the perfect air around me...
I am still lost in the trying...
I can't be anywhere I choose to be...
But I am still stuck where I don't wanna be...
They say I should be grateful for where I am..
b.coz there are people who wants to be in my shoes...
I may not fit in this place...
but the place have enough space for me to fit in....
and I am lost in the colossal desert...
running for life and getting wasted in the soil...
with my heart buried in the sand ...
and my face burned in varied expressions which I know not of...
Coz there are countless expression....
to be delivered right across the free prison....

BENEATH THE LOST SHADOW…

Long before I used to listen…

My heart used to listen to me…

When I started listening…

My heart was listening to my hearings…

When I stopped listening…

My heart was talking to me all the time…

When I learnt to talk….

My heart was whispering to me….

When I slowed down my talking to whispering….

My loyal heart was murmuring to itself….

When I wasn’t loud and clear…

My heart was sleeping beautifully….

When I stopped talking…

My heart started hibernating…

When I lost everything in my speech…

My heart turned to deaf ears…

When I am silent again…

My heart is beating again…

I am lost in the shadows of your smile…

And you are found flowering in my life…

I am leaving this edge to be with you…

And you are living in the lie you never told me…

I can see it in your eyes…..

You don’t mean what comes from your lips…

I used to live everyday hearing your voice…

Now I am dying every day hearing my own cries….

Lost and lonely...

I am lost living in the days gone by that I can hardly see the future that lay before me…  maybe I am turning blind towards myself. Everybody thinks that I have gone astray. They can tell by the look on my declining face. I didn’t even realise that I was sinking that deep in my tears and fears but now when I look at myself in the mirror, I can tell that they weren’t lying to me. They were my mirror when I refuse to look into the glass. Now that I know that I am drifting away, I dunno where to anchor myself. I have drawn myself so far away that I can’t see any turning back. Even when I do I am not sure where to rest my rowing arms.  You have made me grow so badly that I can’t’ let myself wither away so nicely….

A little death of mine...

I have nothing to say on your part for the wrong you have done. You may be right in your way but it felt like a blow to my feeble heart that hasn’t grown strong till now.  I am still in the dilemma whether to love you or to let me love to hate you even more. Every time when I think about you, I cry to myself. I know there is no point in shedding those tears but I can feel that I am still alive with your thoughts. I always imagined my life to be filled with love and the love to come from the first person that I love. Sad but true, I am still living in that dream when my first love has already floated away right before my eyes. I am feeling weak now but I guess this weakness is much stronger than the strength I posses.  The tears that I shed have become a part of my life that I am not living.

I M DYING A L'LLE MORE INSIDE....

Past the imaginary funeral of mine...
I am still lying in the burial ground waiting to be buried...
I dunno how long I am gonna be laid out...
I so want this to end..
All this is killing me a little more inside...
each second pierces like the blade of the grass against those smooth skin...
I used to lay awake at night....
and think of the times that were never my past...
i used to dream of all those moments that i still see lingering in my bygone days..
I have lived moments trying to be still and calm..
but with passing day, i am seeing a new death in my face...
I wish i could recoil all of those unpleasant moments....
and straighten out the happy days....
right before my eyes... right here in my eyes..
Right in my closed Heart....