CRy me a RIver....

i dont seem to remember the last time you gave me a good time. You weren't around lately. guess you were having the time of your own. I expect no apology for being so into you. but at least i am searching for an answer to why you let me feel lonely for long. i tried hard to make up for my foresaken hours with you and alas! you cared less. infact, you hardly cared for my attempt to get closer to you.
all you wanted from me was my kisses and some hugs and you are out on your own. i remembered how i stole away in the middle of the night to see you and sleep in your arms. after all those whispered moments, all you wanted was not me !!!!
I was going to kill you , thats what you confessed in your anger. well, truth be told, i died trying to live again with you and all you did was to kill that life once again. i fought back my tears for you and i went against my blood for you and all you did in return was nothing but spit back on me. how could you even do that to me?
I wasnt the one who came after. you was the one who promised to walk bedside me in times of trouble and smile. You lied to yourself. how could you be true to me when you lied to yourself?
guess thats the end of me and I.
how could I ever love you again when you made me believe that my love was not even worthy of a truth?

lost..

I have been wandering around a lot these days… wandering inside of me and getting lost all the while long… sometimes I am sitting still like the mountains yet withering with time and age…

I think I am still in search of that one thing that can make me what I suppose to be. I feel much of my nothingness in me and I feel nothing weird about this feeling…

Its UR B'DAY....

                                                                                    should i write you a b'day song?
should i sing you a b'day song?
maybe i should read out a b'day song...
perhaps i can whisper you a b'day song...

maybe it aint nice enough to do a b'day song...
perhaps i can bake a b'day cake...
or else i can light the b'day candles on the b'day cake...
i can switch of the lights and make you appear in darkness...
you can blow off those b'day candles...
and i can sing you a b'day song...
and float in the light of your face...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY HONEY BEE!!!

wouldn't i know?

I won’t know if you are still holding onto me…

You won’t even care to know if I care…

You run away from my words….

I don’t remember a sentence I have completed….

You scare me away from you…

At the slight rise in your voice…

You chose to go merry-making…

When I was deep drowned in your thoughts….

You hardly listened to my feelings…

I had felt the universe for you…

You wanted to go wild, I know…

I wanted you to safari with me….

All you dreamed was for a free ride with yourself…

And left me pondering what am I to dream….

THE TIME THAT SCATTERS ME....

I dunno if I am behaving with the situation. I tried my level best not to trip over any incident that may help me in describing me. But I failed in my attempt. I hate being such a snob but I cant help myself in my affairs. I hate the feeling of being lost in the crowd but that’s the least that I can oversee. Its been a month long of strive and struggle in processing my thoughts and my feelings. I don’t want to fall a prey to my own desires but I am so helpless that I cant even succumb to my own thinking. I wanna stay away from everybody’s life but I am so glues to the circle that I keep on falling back into it. I despise the Yankees who roam around without any fear and attachments. I do want to step out in the sun and shout at the sunlight. I wanna hate the moon but I am too less of light to even hear my own cry.

I am lost living in it…..

lost in time...

i feel lost...
coz i know i am somewhere...
where i know it as nowhere...
i dream of life that i imagined...
i imagine of a life that i dreamed...
everything looks strange..
though i am familiar with it...
i know i am lost...
coz i never wandered in this place all again...

Must I Wait?

Time crawls like the tortoise on the marathon...
I wait for the seconds to click by with a sigh...
the sands in the hourglass drop in particles...
the minute hang in the cloud before it ticks away...
i flap my eyelashes thrice in a second...
i take a look at the watch before looking at the clock...
i think i will kill the time before i know of it...
its too hard waiting and much harder waiting in vain...
can you please step out of that picture frame and
let the wait go in vain...
coz i am tired of waiting hours in your name...
and i am dying whispering your name to the wind...

HOPE IT WONT LAST LONG.... but da hope shud stay on 4EVA...

Today 08.07.2011. made me sink into my own tears; tears of anger, impatience, stress and on and on... I really dunno what the heck is going on around me. It appears to me as if I woke up to be worn out by people who like to drag on me. Its certainly not fair to tell me myself that I hate being a part of this whole attitude drama. I am literally tired of wearing a smiling face when all i get back in return is a frown. I rather cry and let my sadness flow out instead of holding onto the fear of being known as a lost girl.
I evolve around myself and I was quite certain about my own capabilities and worries but right now, I can no longer say the same thing. I am not sure if I really think I know myself coz every time I make an effort, I am proved wrong.
This day of the month, I cried for hours feeling under-imposed, under-estimated and vulnerable. I cant bear to see myself crying infront of anybody that i choose to hide myself behind the closed doors and cry as loud as i can. I cried till I fall asleep and I could hardly breathe in! Can i not feel so reckless and under-mined?
i wanna go home and cry in somebody's arms... i really want to! Can i ever get that break to do atleast something that I so wish to!
P.S. Nurture me in my arms and I wont say a damn thing... I am counting minutes to let the pain ease without counting the second that pierced my heart!

what if...

What if you are stealing from my eyes...
even though i know you come clean...
maybe you can let the curtain fall...
just to let me know that i am not blinded....
or else you can blow away the candle...
and let me see you in the dark...
must you run away from my wrinkles...
when i had enough of you erasing the lines...
why do i have to even care to call you...
when you are already talking to me...
what if you are spying on me?
and i know not of the spy but of the spies...
will you care to give me a smile...
when you see me giving myself a stupid look..
can you even held me in your arms..
when you are already fed with anger...
what if i block myself away...
will you even throw a stone at the wall ...
or will you spit on the walls that surround me?
i feel like saying,,,
what if i mattered less to you and you mattered more to me?

wats wrong?

nothing seems so right....
everything looks pale and shallow...
who am i to blame?
when i am not feeling right anymore?
i dunno if i have the feeling to get hurt...
but i do know that i feel not that safe....
i cant blindly say i am not wrong...
but i cant confess i am true either...
i tried to conceal my fear...
when you felt that i was going far...
i loved to hear you scream...
but i hate when you yell for petty things...
you cant blame me for my action...
when you dont even know your reaction...
i subtly confide my tears into you...
you barely chase my loneliness away...
i am still fighting for my heart...
when my heart is already at stake...
love me no-more when you all love was everything about me but not me!