Must I Wait?

Time crawls like the tortoise on the marathon...
I wait for the seconds to click by with a sigh...
the sands in the hourglass drop in particles...
the minute hang in the cloud before it ticks away...
i flap my eyelashes thrice in a second...
i take a look at the watch before looking at the clock...
i think i will kill the time before i know of it...
its too hard waiting and much harder waiting in vain...
can you please step out of that picture frame and
let the wait go in vain...
coz i am tired of waiting hours in your name...
and i am dying whispering your name to the wind...

HOPE IT WONT LAST LONG.... but da hope shud stay on 4EVA...

Today 08.07.2011. made me sink into my own tears; tears of anger, impatience, stress and on and on... I really dunno what the heck is going on around me. It appears to me as if I woke up to be worn out by people who like to drag on me. Its certainly not fair to tell me myself that I hate being a part of this whole attitude drama. I am literally tired of wearing a smiling face when all i get back in return is a frown. I rather cry and let my sadness flow out instead of holding onto the fear of being known as a lost girl.
I evolve around myself and I was quite certain about my own capabilities and worries but right now, I can no longer say the same thing. I am not sure if I really think I know myself coz every time I make an effort, I am proved wrong.
This day of the month, I cried for hours feeling under-imposed, under-estimated and vulnerable. I cant bear to see myself crying infront of anybody that i choose to hide myself behind the closed doors and cry as loud as i can. I cried till I fall asleep and I could hardly breathe in! Can i not feel so reckless and under-mined?
i wanna go home and cry in somebody's arms... i really want to! Can i ever get that break to do atleast something that I so wish to!
P.S. Nurture me in my arms and I wont say a damn thing... I am counting minutes to let the pain ease without counting the second that pierced my heart!

what if...

What if you are stealing from my eyes...
even though i know you come clean...
maybe you can let the curtain fall...
just to let me know that i am not blinded....
or else you can blow away the candle...
and let me see you in the dark...
must you run away from my wrinkles...
when i had enough of you erasing the lines...
why do i have to even care to call you...
when you are already talking to me...
what if you are spying on me?
and i know not of the spy but of the spies...
will you care to give me a smile...
when you see me giving myself a stupid look..
can you even held me in your arms..
when you are already fed with anger...
what if i block myself away...
will you even throw a stone at the wall ...
or will you spit on the walls that surround me?
i feel like saying,,,
what if i mattered less to you and you mattered more to me?

wats wrong?

nothing seems so right....
everything looks pale and shallow...
who am i to blame?
when i am not feeling right anymore?
i dunno if i have the feeling to get hurt...
but i do know that i feel not that safe....
i cant blindly say i am not wrong...
but i cant confess i am true either...
i tried to conceal my fear...
when you felt that i was going far...
i loved to hear you scream...
but i hate when you yell for petty things...
you cant blame me for my action...
when you dont even know your reaction...
i subtly confide my tears into you...
you barely chase my loneliness away...
i am still fighting for my heart...
when my heart is already at stake...
love me no-more when you all love was everything about me but not me!

the feeling...

i feel a little lost these days, when i am all alone and everybody stares at me. i dunno if i am caught in between my tears but all i know is that i am definitely lost in between my laughter.
New days at the adminstrative office and I know i am too naive to comment on anything... but i am deadly bored!

hear me plz...

THE FOREST HIKE...

The day before my last day in Penang, I and my friend decided to visit the tourist attractions. So, our first stop was the Penang National Park. We had no clue where it was located. We boarded the bus and then followed the intuitions which worked pretty fine. We reached the place in less than 30 min. the information counter charged us Rm 5 for the canopy walk rest everything was free. Cool! Well, we headed off towards the canopy walk but nothing in sight. We just followed the sign and stopped in between taking pictures cos memories counts… well, contrast to my idea of an ideal park, it was actually a forest and it was more wild and adventurous than I could ever think of. We took 20 Min or more to reach our destination but the thing was closed for lunch break. After waiting for few minutes, the blotch was opened and we could carry on. The walk wasn't at all scary rather it was amusing. Walking among the canopy sounds exotic and it really was when I was walking among the tree tops and beneath me walked people who looked like tiny tots. It was a fun experiment with height.
 We headed off for the monkey beach and the headlight… it was awesome… trust myself… it was crazy!
The blue sea stretched miles away
beyond the horizon engulfed by green hills on the side. Evergreen trees and coniferous trees castled on the hills throwing refreshing all around. The fiddling of the sand with the high shores creates a big wave of relaxation inside the closed heart. Oh! It was terrific… we had to rush back but we somehow landed at the sign post that indicated another beach at around 2920m. OK, I wanted to give it a try but I wasn't ready for the moments that lay ahead. We passed through a jungle with lots of tall trees with some kind of speciality which I didn't really go through. Yeah, I did witness the music area where I could hear strange sounds which seem to come from nowhere. Then, I followed the buffalo path and the dug out hill. I was really exhausted by then but I knew I had to go on.  Few hikers pass us by, they looked real tired. I was like, could it be so hard? Despite the resistance from my friend, I still walked on till she gave up on me. Finally, after an hour long of hiking, we managed to reach the beach. Omg! it was beautiful! But I was so tired to shout at the top of my lungs which I so wanted to. The beach is the farthest beach so it is the cleanest and damn beautiful. Blue merged with green, the sands were sandy and the rocks were the mightiest… I had my day there. It was falling evening so we had to rush back. It was so amazing to be there. It took us an hour more to reach back and the first thing was to look for water and food. I did bring some juices but we finished that way back in our early hopping.
I had a good time though my feet gave me trauma for the next two days. But my adventure didn't end there…. the next moment to drop by was wilder.... wink wink...;>

P.S. its a race with life... you cant stop the fleeting moments...

LOTSA FROWNS....

This marks another chapter in  my pageless book-free life, but it seems eternity before i can even turn on one page. Must I admit when I say I was wagging behind instead of barking to the front.
I just realised I was too shallow for my tears and that it was a waste to waste my feelings on it. I wasnt never sure of it but now i think I have made my own point not to discard it.

P.S. Least the clown befalls me, I will never let the frown surpass my smile: even though I am a Stern girl....

HEAR Meh...

Months back, I stood carved like a figure in the sand, where wind blows not to lift the sand but to curve the outlines. I had shrined myself not to step out onto the cold world of furnancing heat and steamy anger.
Months from now, I had envisioned things to be enclosed within my encasement and that I will never prey on the world outside.
Months from that day, I am wandering like I am lost... i may have found a place to wander but i am still slueless about what is yet to come! Its like breathing the air not knowing from where I am breathing...

P.S. lend me a ear...

CRY ME A RIVER....

This day of the month, I cried for hours feeling under-imposed, under-estimated and vulnerable. I cant bear to let myself crying infront of anybody that i choose to hide myself behind the closed doors and cry as loud as i can.
I cried till I fell asleep and I could hardly breathe in! Can i not feel so reckless and under-mined?
i wanna go home and cry in somebody's arms... i really want to! Can i ever get that break to do this one thing  that I wish to!
P.S. Nuture me in my arms and I wont say a damn thing...
I am counting mintues to let the pain ease without counting the seconds that peirced my heart and left it hollow!

IDIOTIC SOUNDS!

It never crossed my mind that i would be struck by a blow, atleast not by that guy. It feels terrible and i wont complain because I admit I was at fault too. I mean, I am taken to be harsh-spoken but I never spoke after thinking. perhaps, I should have! A lesson taught!

the moment caught me by my tears and I almost shed a tear if not streamed it. I remember, I could hardly move my lips and all I did was  to look around and move away from that sight. i drapped my hair around my face and rushed in the direction of no-one. I skipped few faces along the way but I was confident that I aired my shallowness. lost feeling from the pride you held on so long was eating me inside and I rushed to the room to console myself with tears after I had soaked my eyes infront of the computer. i could hardly steal away a  look on my face that i had to bury it in the lap of the moniter. Feeling helpless, I rushed to my shabby room and cover myself up in the blanket which I had never folded neatly after my early wake up. I cried to myself but I didn't wanted to hear me cry. I sobbed and let the tear flow but I could hear myself crying from deep within and it echoed in my breath. I tried to ensure that nobody could hear me but I now i cam not that sure of my own effort. Everybody could look at me and say that I was beaten up to badly for a petty cause.
I have also begun to realise that I have become very rude and an angry girl. I do not want to be like this but i cant seem to help it either. Can I get a guardian angel to wave me a wand of sympathy and love?

P.S. I feel helpless but I help myself by confronting me with it!!!